Summary: The authors, who write for the satirical journal The onion, self-indulgently imagine that a mean, vicious cretin from a rich and powerful family could somehow come to be president of the United States. How would such a person, if he were also completely self-deluded, misogynistic, stuffy, and insensitive in his use of language, describe his accomplishments?

I am a spontaneous kind of person. I think on my feet. When I have breakfast every morning, I do not think, “What am I going to have for lunch?” I leave that to the meal prognosticators. Or I let it happen naturally, at lunchtime. I go with my gut for any mealtime. Today, for example, my gut told me hot dogs, as it often does.

I took a similar approach to my Governorship. I did not plan what I would do each day. When I woke up in the morning, I would say to myself, “Today I am going to fix our torts,” or “Today I am going to execute somebody.” I did not read the bills that came across my desk. Instead, I held them in my hands, then let my gut get a good sense of it. Sometimes I would sign it, sometimes I would throw it up high in the air and try to shoot it with my six-gun before it hit the ground.

One day I got a feeling that I should reform the Texas schools, and make them work. It broke my heart that our education system betrayed the trust of our young people by failing to teach them to read. I resolved to do something about it, Texas style. I instituted simpler reading tests at our schools, ones that more students could pass. This brought the literate level of our students up significantly.